Torn on the platform…

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Shit, I’m 5 minutes late. I’m going to miss the 7:52. I’ll have to get the 8:01 and go to London Bridge and get the tube. I hope it’s not busy. I’m so tired I hope that’s not a migraine coming on. Train delayed. 2 minutes. 3 minutes. 4 minutes. I hope all these people aren’t going to London Bridge too. I’m not by a door. I’m not going to get a seat. It’s okay, it’s only a few stops, It’s fine. It’s busier than usual. I’ll stand by the door, and then I’ve got something to lean on. Crikey, this really is busier than usual. Yeah sorry but I can’t move down I’m stuck no use shoving me. It’s hot. Why did I wear so many layers. I can definitely feel a headache coming on. I should take my scarf off. I can’t move to get it off. What if I knock someone. It’s fine, 2 more stops. Deep breaths. People are looking at me. Why are people looking at me. Hot tingling in my body. Shit, this feels a bit like when I’m about to faint. I can’t faint. Not here. There’s too many people. I can’t make a scene. Have some water. I don’t have any. Deep breaths. New Cross Gate, nearly there. Why’s the train stopping. Signal problems. Knees going weak. I need to sit down. I can’t breathe. Fight this. You can’t make a scene. I’m going to pass out. I can’t move. I need to get this coat off. Hurry train, please. I can’t pass out. I can’t be sick. Chest pounding. Head sweating. Clammy hands. And it happens.

“Are you okay?”

I just want the ground to open up. The train’s still not moving. Eyes glaring at me. I want to cry. Deep breaths. Palpitations. I need some air. Heart pounding and splitting headache. Thank god we’re here. Please someone let me get off first. Thank you. Cold air. A lifeline. It’s going to be okay. I can take the bus the rest of the way. I’ll tell Niall, he won’t mind me being a bit late. I feel like I’ve run a mile. Legs like jelly. Head like cotton wool. This can’t beat me. But why today. Why after such a wonderful weekend in Paris. Why am I so weak.

And with that I went to work, embarrassed and child-like; the fear of tomorrow’s commute already kicking in.

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