I had a shitty day yesterday but today is hopefully not going to be quite so shitty so I thought I would break my silence and write a blog.
The last few months have been tough. The disappointment of not finishing my charity walk hit me hard and has taken me a fair while to compute. Added to that it’s been a pretty intense and emotional time elsewhere in my life too; not to mention planning a wedding, changing jobs and moving house having all been thrown in to the mix too.
Life is full of ups and downs, there’s no denying that, but sometimes I feel like I have zero resilience and am unable to get through the tiniest amounts of stress and trauma whilst others seem to sail through them. I guess that’s where the problem is; comparing my reactions to others. It’s not particularly helpful.
My anxiety has been through the roof and manifesting itself in a much more physical way. Hot sweats, dizzy spells, nausea and palpitations have all made a return to daily life as has the social anxiety that has plagued me in the past. I go to bed and I awake with this fear that something terrible is going to happen. Every unexpected phone call is met with the sheer panic that it can only be bad news. It’s not a very nice way to live to be honest and pretty damn frustrating as I was starting to think I was over the worst of my mental health issues.
It felt that at 32 I was starting to become more resilient, more confident and more logical about my worries and anxieties. But of course, that’s not how mental health works – we have good times and we have bad times. We have times where we’re able to climb that mountain and times where we’re unable to leave the house. And of course life’s path takes its twists and turns as it does for everyone, and some of those periods take longer than others to pass.
I took the difficult decision of returning to my doctor to discuss the feelings I’ve been having. Not an easy decision as even after 7 years of seeing doctors about my anxiety and depression, I still feel this overwhelming sense of failure every time. I sat in the waiting room with sweaty palms, short of breath and wanting to flee. But I didn’t. I told him what had been going on, the various triggers I felt had contributed and against everything the little voice in my head was saying; asked for some help.
He decided that I had a lot going on which made me feel a little better (someone validating that it’s okay to feel the way you do is very powerful). Talking through the options, we decided that I would increase my tablets and have some form of counselling again. I knew before I went in there that this would be the likely offer given there is no magic wand, and off I trotted with my prescription.
I didn’t tell the doctor but I was devastated. Devastated that the hard work I had done the year before in halving my dose was now redundant. I’d failed yet again. It always feels like the easy option taking a tablet, even though I know it isn’t, but there’s something in me that feels weak relying on a tiny white pill every day. And the fact I was going to be even more dependent on them filled me with sheer anger and embarrassment. But of course I know that there’s limited treatments available and that short term it might help while I’m struggling. So I’m taking them and awaiting a counselling appointment…..although I’ve been told the waiting list is a year.
If I’m honest I can’t really say 6 weeks on that I’m feeling any better as such, all I can say is that I feel a bit numb and vacant. I can’t cry and that’s a problem for me because I am most definitely a cryer and sometimes a cry is what I need, but it eludes me so it’s is a really weird sensation. I guess I could say that they have surpassed my emotions a little in that I feel a bit less, again a weird sensation, and not one that I can really say I’m wholly comfortable with, given the long term implications. But for now, I have to give it a go. I have to do something. And this is something.
My other something is throwing myself in to wedding planning and organising a really great day for all our loved ones. Granted it has its ‘why can’t we just elope?’ moments but having it to look forward to is a real help as is knowing that everyone is looking forward to it. It’s a goal that I’m setting myself – being well for the wedding and being able to enjoy it without the fear of anxiety getting in the way.