I’m sat here in front of my laptop, desperate to cry. I’ve listened to all the songs that always make me cry and yet nothing. I feel like a pressure cooker about to blow and having a good old cry usually helps. But the Sertraline says no.
I’ve always been a crier. Happiness, sadness, you name it; guaranteed tears. And whilst at times it’s been a bloody nuisance (my brother’s wedding for example where I spent the majority of it looking like Alice Cooper), sometimes it’s the only way to get rid of some of the over brimming emotions. The physical sensation of crying your eyes out, for me, is cathartic. When everything is muddled up and hurting inside it feels good to release something, even if it’s only salty water.
When I went through a stint of self harming, it was that feeling of release when I cut my arms that drove me to continue doing it as difficult as that might be to understand. And it’s the same with crying, it’s a release. It might not solve anything and it might leave you with a banging headache but for those moments where you’re able to let go of your emotions, emotions that you have so desperately been trying to hang on to, it’s a relief.
Things have been quite difficult lately and I’ve been trying to steer myself away from the edge. My stress levels feel astronomical as does my anxiety and all I want to do is have a bloody good old cry. I’m sad, I’m scared, I’m annoyed and I’m tired. A good old uncontrollable cry would really help because breaking down and not-coping really isn’t an option right now, there’s too much to do and too many other people to think about.
It’s not too much to ask for is it? The ability to cry? I guess unless you’ve ever been on antidepressants and had them upped so that they numb things even further you might not really have a clue what I’m going on about. But if you have – it’s horrible isn’t it? It’s a weird sensation. I don’t feel like me. I feel like I’ve become a stone-cold heartless bitch. Why did I not cry at the clips on Celebrity Gogglebox for Stand Up to Cancer last week? I’m usually in floods before they’ve even started.
It’s unnerving. Is it me? Is it the drugs? What else are they suppressing? Should I just poke myself in the eye and be done with it?
3 responses to “Stop crying your heart out….”
I know I’m never going to understand how you feel, or why. We humans have an interesting ability to beat ourselves up for things that we think we did, like letting people down or not being enough for someone we care about. In those moments, the mind will send all the thoughts you so gracefully put in the article above, and those thought are hurting your beautiful and innocent soul. Forgive yourself, let the pain be one with you and you will see it will make you only stronger. Feel whatever needs to be felt because there’s no running away, at least that’s what I’ve learned. And take every day as it comes, don’t look at the whole road ahead because it will only look so much harder. Best of luck lovely child:)
The Sertraline says no. I like it! It says no to me too. But at least I’ve stopped crying.
“But the Sertraline says no.”
I get that. I understand. It says that to me too.
I only discovered your blog yesterday after the article on the BBC website. I just wanted to say thanks. You express in such eloquence my own thoughts and feelings.
You are brilliant and wonderful. Remember that.