I’ve been thinking about why I haven’t written a blog in such a long time. Maybe it’s because I was left with a bad taste in my mouth after the Texan’s character assassination. Maybe it’s because I’ve been writing more about music again. Maybe it’s because I don’t think anyone wants to read about me harping on about loneliness again. Or maybe it’s because I’ve turned a corner and started a new chapter. I don’t know, but there’s definitely been a fear of writing again. But tonight, it feels right, so here goes, humour me.
So what’s new. Well I suppose something rather significant to inform you of is that I have a boyfriend (feels very weird writing that). I honestly didn’t think I would ever say that again, but here we are and I’m glad I let down my guard and went for the drink because he’s really great (and has the most ridiculously great curly hair). Now, I think I may have learned my lesson with gushing about people online, and I don’t want to end up getting dumped for ruining his cred (he’s way cooler than me) so that’s all I’m going to say about him.
Sharing that bit of news fills me with anxiety (not just because I haven’t told many people – sorry pals) but because I just know that it’s going to look like I’ve gone against everything I have said about being lonely and not needing a guy to fix it. But here’s the thing, I still wholeheartedly stand by that. I didn’t go on a date to cure my loneliness, I went because I felt ready to let someone in again and experience things with someone. I feel like I’ve done a lot of work on myself over the last 18 months, learned a hell of a lot about myself and found myself in a better place. And that’s not to say that any of those feelings I’ve talked about have gone away, they’ve just been dialled down a little, and in some respects replaced with other feelings and other insecurities. And I’m sure as hell not going to spend my life playing the martyr because I once said I didn’t need a boyfriend to be happy – for the record I don’t need one I wanted one!
Anyway, you see that’s the thing with loneliness and mental health it never just disappears, it fluctuates. I found myself in a phase where those crippling and debilitating voices in my head that were telling me I didn’t deserve to be happy, that I didn’t deserve to have anyone fancy me and that I was completely worthless were slightly quieter than usual and instead of doing the usual thing of just waiting for them to get loud again, I took advantage, I took a risk, and it paid off.
I’m still having bad days, I’m still having days where getting out of bed is utterly impossible and where all I want to do it press pause on the world so I can catch my breath; but they’re easier when you have someone who makes you smile and knows when to put an arm around you. But of course being in a relationship with someone new brings with it a whole host of anxieties and worries that you had forgotten about (will he still like me after seeing me first thing in the morning? is merely the tip of the iceberg). And that’s something I’m very conscious of (not the morning thing, I’m not THAT vain); letting my past and my anxiety ruin something before it’s even had chance to begin. It takes a lot of energy to fight with your own mind and some days I’m better than others. But being able to be honest from the start and laying it all out on the table has helped and I’m finally in a place where I don’t feel the need to apologise for my mental health. It’s part of me. Yes it’s an almighty weight pushing down on me at times, but it’s also given me so many opportunities that I would never have had if I hadn’t faced up to it and anyone who wants me in their life has to accept that. And I think (*crosses fingers incredibly tightly and hopes not to jinx things*) I may have found someone who does…..